Whispering trees.

lettersfromorchardvalley.blogspot.com

The whispering trees.

A journey of rediscovery in a place where life and dreams thrive.

by Mark Schmidt on November 16, 2015

My entry today is a very important contribution to the world of Mental health. The following piece is one that I had written last year at this time and kept tucked away. After discussing my condition and the dangers that can occur by not addressing our mental well being. I decided that it would be worth sharing with everyone. This is a true story and one of the scariest experiences of my life.  I hope that this piece will provide at the very least some awareness as well as hope for those who have not yet found a path to balance and good mental well being.

Entry No. 9

The whispering trees

The winding roads of Upstate NY can offer some of the most breathtaking views during the autumn season. As more and more residential & commercial development floods into the area, slowly these sights begin to disappear. I was a young child during the early 1980’s I was fortunate to live in a home that was a former farmhouse from years past. The home included a lot of acreage that was composed of overgrown fields, dense woods that had man made hiking trails carved out. Many of these paths  lead to a major rail track of the D&H. I spent many days as a child watching the trains pass by from the security of the woods.

I had spent countless Summer, Fall, Winter & Spring days in those woods. I was everything my imagination would allow me to be from Robin Hood,  a Civil War Soldier,  a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Batman and Link from Zelda. If it rained, I was inside playing Nintendo or writing. If it was nice, I could be found outside in those woods having fun. Those were the days when worries and homework could be put on hold for an hour or two to rescue a fair maiden from an army of monsters. That is until I could hear the sound of my Mother yelling for me to come inside. Then the evil armies would have to pause and await my return the following afternoon after School to meet their demise.

This was a recurring story for many years and when I approached my teenage years I abandoned the confines of those woods to new passions such as playing drums, hanging with my friends, listening to early 90’s hard rock and alternative music. Soon, the chase for the opposite sex would then come into play. Dreaming of the day when I could get my license and venture out in that endless world of concrete paths; as opposed to the wooded trails that I would explore as a boy on my trusty make believe horse (A 1988 Huffy bike) while being equipped with plastic swords tucked in the back of my tshirt.

As the years progressed and the ups and downs of Adolescence and early Adulthood occurred, many times I found myself always facing a struggle internally with feeling happy and staying positive. At the age of 17 my Mother was diagnosed with Lung cancer. This was tough for me, I knew it wasn’t good. I gave it my all along with my family to help support in her fight. It was a fight, that she would eventually lose in September of 1999. I had just graduated High School that previous June and found myself at a crossroads. Enrolling in a Community College seemed like the best start. I pressed on

I worked hard and took many different courses in English, Psychology and History. I used my love of the arts to get a better understanding of the world and hopefully a better glimpse and understanding inside of myself. I poured myself into self help books to acquire a better understanding. Literature was a blessing, in the words of John Green “Reading literature is a challenge in that you get to see others as they see you and you get to see others as they see themselves”.

At this point I had been struggling with Anxiety and Depression. I had seen a few doctors who believed it to be either contributed to Grievance, Depression or that my body was still changing at 19 and that I may simply grow out of it. I was prescribed many different Medications that made me feel like a Walker from the Walking Dead. Frustrated, annoyed and tired of no answers I abandoned all medical help by the age of 22 with the mindset of “Its mind over matter, and I’m invincible” besides, at this point I was a bachelor on the bar scene and liquid medicating on the weekends seemed to do the trick.

There is an old saying, “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders” I heard this saying many times and never really gave it the insight it truly deserved. I spent the next 12 years building my family and going through the challenges that all young married families do. Mortgage, two children, excessive debt, weight gain,  change of careers, loss of friends to deaths, friends moving away and life itself in general. All the while, I internally was still dealing with my mental health. I always placed it on the back burner or just kept putting it out of my mind. I’d focus extremely hard on other things to try to block out what I was feeling. I never quite felt like I had solid control of anything as if I was on a swaying ship that made me feel that I knew what I had to do in life to the complete opposite of hopelessness.

2014 was the year that this monster took over my life nearly destroying all of me. There was no more back burner, no more fighting or internal mental trickery. My mental health was failing and failing quick. My family was suffering, my physical health was being destroyed as well as the personal relationships around me. My memory was completely absent and my moods were short and sad. I became physically ill often and felt like the world was against me. I felt like I was on a sinking ship. Those closest to me began to ask me “Who are you?” “What happened to the real you that everyone loves?"

That was a great question, "Who was I?" I didn’t know, I couldn’t honestly answer anymore. I didn’t know where I was, let alone where I was going. I reached out for help before it was almost too late. It was embarrassing to admit that things were out of control. But they were. I went back to my Psychiatrist and Psychologist to get the help and support I needed. I had to go back to square one. After many sessions and tests I was given a clear diagnosis and a reality check of who I am, and how life will be and how it can be living with a Mental disorder.

I spent the next few months going to my appointments and trying to make sense of things. Coming to terms with life now and asking how do I fit into the puzzle with who I am. That one chilly overcast day on November 06, 2014 while driving near my old home I felt something inside telling me to stop. To go back to where I was most happiest and also where I was when I hit rock bottom. I pulled off to a public biking/walking trail a short distance from my old house. I made the trek down the trail and went off of the beaten path and began to go through the woods.

The fallen leaves crunched beneath my shoes undisturbed since their initial fall. I knew I was alone and had to be careful. If I was to be injured I would be without help and cell reception was spotty at best. I continued on over small streams and clearings. Even though I was alone in those woods, I felt that something was there with me. Not claiming religious or spiritual beings per se; however there was a feeling of something, somewhere. I pressed on watching my breath in the damp air.  After a short walk I found the entrance to the old trail from when I was a child.

I entered the overgrown thicket that opened into a clearing that was full of pine trees. The pines shielded the overcast clouds making the woods that much more dark. I remembered this spot as a child and always feared an imaginary ghost that I felt inhabited the trees. With respect, I said, “hello” to the old imaginary ghost woman with a chuckle. I did not wish for any more bad luck even if it was make believe.  I reached what was remaining of an old stone wall that was our property line within the woods

Stepping over the wall was a symbolic act as if the boy/hero from long ago had returned to his kingdom. The trails mostly all overgrown were still passable. The man made streams were still there with an old bridge that was built by my Father. I sat on a tree stump, exhaling a deep breath I  listened to the silence. It was that silence that was as comforting as a parent’s voice when you were hurt. Something inside made me comeback here to face my demons. The ones inside who tried to take me life away as I had previously and unsuccessfully attempted to take my own life. I closed my eyes and could picture that cold April night months before when my very body, soul and mind was tested to the brink of death.

I shook it off and opened my eyes; I thought of the days I climbed and swung from the trees. The days of snow covered branches while I ran through the trails with my young voice loud, determined and full of life. A time when no dream or idea was too big or unattainable. Perhaps I needed to comeback to start over or believe that there really is some magic in these woods. It was here that I fully came to terms and accept my diagnosis of being Bi-polar. That it is a disorder that I have had all my life and it is a part of me. Hating it is in turn hating me, and hating me will never help me get better or those around me.

I closed my eyes and pictured the young me in this kingdom with those young dreams and that smile. I thought of that saying of the old head on young shoulders and wished old me could tell young me to do so many things differently. I opened my eyes and the tears poured down my face. I sat hugging my knees, feeling my damp shirt cold against my back. My tears were warm and channeled down my face pooling onto my jacket sleeve.

I promised to myself that I would try to let the hurt and the past go. What I once felt and how I acted was not me, but a sick me trying to reach for help but not knowing how. My clarity was shining in those woods once again. I realized that this was my second chance to take the knowledge of who I am, how I need to live, and be the most successful person I can be for myself and the ones I love. The healing of the wounds was finally starting.

Vowing to never be ashamed of who I am;  taking that knowledge along with the ability and strength to move forward; I garnered my strength and stood up, wiping away the tears I decided to leave the pain in the place where I was the happiest as a child. Perhaps mother nature would take that negative energy and convert it to something positive for the world. I walked away letting the troubles fall behind. Acceptance and one day at a time was my new mantra. I almost gave up on it all and I will never go back to those days of letting my mental health come between me and what matters most. I take comfort in knowing that a new family lives in my old home with children.

I hope that one day, with all the comfort of modern technology that other children will lay down the xboxone and iPads to find the magic and healing powers of those woods behind them. It was those trees and those paths from my childhood that called me back from demise to help save my life.

Maybe we never became what we thought we would as children. Many of us still search for who and what we are. Bipolar makes that internal struggle just that much worse. It is a daily tug of war between success and perceived failure. Many turn to destructive behaviour as a solace. That is not the answer, nor Death. I had to realize that sitting around feeling sorry for myself and expecting the world to fix me was not the answer either. Maybe I’m not the grand hero I imagined. Perhaps I will never accomplish some of the expectations of society. I realized that it’s okay. I don’t have to be the individual that society expects me to fit into. I have a disorder, a responsibility and dreams. I have to live my life to the fullest. I don’t know where my path will bring me. But maybe, just maybe if I stay true to myself and accept who I truly am. Well, maybe that’s just enough.

If we don’t believe in ourselves, if we do not love who we truly are and accept how we were made; then neither will anyone else in this world. It’s okay to not be okay.  

lettersfromorchardvalley.blogspot.com

Saratoga Springs, NY